The Erotic Neurotic

Current obsessions

2009-06-01T08:28:00.003-06:00

1. Cat health.
2. Composting/vegetable gardening.
3. "True Blood."
4. Fitness?!

1. Poor little Scrybaby got really sick about a month or so ago, and had a UTI that turned into a kidney infection because she has a terribly neglectful mom. So sad. Her darling veterinarian, Dr. Aubrey, thought that she had chronic renal failure, and needed to go on that disgusting kidney diet food that's made of garbage instead of meat. Which I was not excited about, since it seems like the baby is allergic to chicken, and all of those foods have chicken in them. So yours truly was combing through cat health books and wingnut websites, trying to figure out what I could feed Scribe. I was seriously considering buying a meat grinder and feeding her ground up rice and cornish game hens for the rest of her life, when she got another blood test and we found out that she doesn't have chronic renal failure after all. So she can go back to her regular limited ingredient diet, which, in case you were wondering, includes such animals as quail, duck, rabbit, venison, and lamb. Ew.
2. So I got to finish obsessing about my little tiny one, just in time to start obsessing about even tinier ones- composting microbes. Kyle and Jessi got the compost pile going over at their house (soon to be Kyle's and my house) and I am crazy for it. It's so cool! I'm trying really hard to get it to get nice and hot. Back to the books and internet wingnuts! I've been reading http://wastefreeliving.blogspot.com/, now at http://wastefreeliving.com/blog/. I didn't want to like the Compost Maven, because she's stolen Alison Bechdel from me, but I do. Sigh.
Oh, man! So we're growing ten million different vegetables. But, as I told Carolyn, "I'll believe it when I eat it." A lot of things could happen, but right now it's so exciting! Kyle and I (and Jessi too, I'm sure) have spent lots of time crouching over the dirt, trying to figure out what cute little shoots are weeds and what we've actually planted. I need to take some pictures.
3. I'm almost done with the first season of "True Blood." Overall I really like it, though it does have its slow moments. I'm partway through the last episode, but I'm putting off watching it because I'm sure it's going to end with some awful cliffhanger and I'm not ready.
4. I started going swimming a few times a week, but I seem to be falling off the trolley. I really like it and like how my body feels when I swim, but it's kind of boring. I've also been doing a yoga DVD, and just got a cardio workout DVD from the library. I just noticed this morning that it has a bible quotation on the case, so maybe I'm about to work out with J.C.

From puritanical to puri-tantric-al.

2008-01-06T19:33:00.000-07:00

Greetings Erotic Neurotic!

I have been seeing a really dashing young lady for nigh on four months now, and our relationship is proceeding just splendidly. We have a truly remarkable compatibility - enjoyment of food and libation, bicycling the environs of Denver, and imbibing the best of that black gold known as coffee. We even, as the common parlance would have it, have fucking awesome sex. There is, however, in spite of this otherwise overwhelming good fortune, one small hitch: my woeful inability to talk dirty. It's true that I have a vast and expansive vocabulary, and that one of my greatest thrills is the discovery and subsequent usage of more complex syntax and sentence structure. Yet despite my garrulous nature, I can't seem to pull out a few mundane four letter words whilst in the throes of passion. What's worse, with just a few short phrases of inappropriate sexiness from her, I am thrilled through and through. I'd really like to be more of a participant when it comes to verbal ecstasy, but I can't quite seem to break free of my puritanical chains. What's a cunning linguist like me to do?

Laughably Loquacious Lover

Greetings, ugh, L word.

Somewhere along the line you people seem to have gotten the idea that the Erotic Neurotic actually provides advice. However did you come to that conclusion? The Erotic Neurotic passes along nothing but sass.
Well, okay. We'll make an exception, lest LLL should turn into LBD by summertime. For you, sass and secondary sources. Lucky for you, here at Erotic Neurotic HQ, we have valuable research materials at hand for just these situations. I should warn you that this may cause offense to prudes, conservatives, and/or the federal government, so continue at your own risk. Ahem.

"Ariel talked quietly into Mari's ear, a filthy stream of gutter talk that Yvette and I heard only snatches of. You could always count on Ariel for that. 'Fucking open pussyhole of an ass, take it up your slutty...' we heard. 'Fuck you like the whore bitch that you are, fucking...' It was a good thing Margy could handle trash talk. I'd met some lesbians who'd run crying from the likes of what came out of Ariel's mouth when she got turned on."
Carol Queen
Miranda's Wildest Time: Club Clitosaurus

I believe that we can learn two valuable lessons from this expert source.
1. Don't End Sentences With Prepositions.
2. Be Careful What You Wish For (uh, see rule 1); You Might Run Crying.
Or perhaps, a third,
3. You Should Read More Porn. Seriously. Aloud, with a tape recorder. Then, in those "throes of passion" so to speak, you can just 'hit play,' so to speak. You know you think obsolete technology is kinky. You probably wrote a draft of your letter on a vintage typewriter before you e-mailed it.

Phew. Done and done. The Erotic Neurotic washes his hands of this whole affair, you nasty nasty girl.

This one is for Lisa, I think.

2007-11-07T00:11:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the first ever Erotic Neurotic celebrity sighting. No, I didn't see a celebrity, I was the celebrity. [I mean, I was at a show, so I guess I was seeing a celebrity, but goddammit people, this isn't a semantics column.]
Anyway, post-Mountain Goats, waiting for the ol' ball and chain, a young lady approached the Erotic Neurotic, and asked, "Are you the Erotic Neurotic?" Shocked, I answered, "Maybe." I believe she said her name was Lisa. I mentioned that the biggest hurdle to keeping this column up-to-date is keeping those questions rolling in.
Then it hit me- prizes! But what can I pass on to you, dear readers, in this age of technology? Thankfully, Lisa had this one figured out as well.
The Erotic Neurotic's "connections" are pretty limited to this, the queen city of the plains, so I won't be able to hook you up with Carl Kassel himself, but in the great tradition of NPR's Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, the authors of the next three questions answered by the Erotic Neurotic will get my voice on your home answering machine. You don't get to choose what I say. You get this:

à la the lovely and talented Nicole Georges' rendition on Chez Toxique's answering machine, once upon a time.
Send yr queries to theeroticneurotic@yahoo.com.
P.S. Yes, Lisa gets first dibs.

Spring fever strikes.

2007-05-28T15:07:00.000-06:00

Or, maybe make that, "Spring fever is on strike."

Well, the Erotic Neurotic may be the only survivor of Denver Spring (Heart)break 2007. Don't be too jealous; he got his in Aught Six. Nonetheless, there's plenty to kvetch about. Don't you worry.

1. One would think that a wretched, icy winter would provide the perfect backdrop for some nice cuddling. But unless you count a dandruffy cat, none was to be had. All right, "none" is an exaggeration, but those other bad decisions have faded so far in the Erotic Neurotic's (admittedly terribly short-term) memory that they may as well have been a weird, Lynchian dream. Her dog was really nice, though.
2. Spring, when the nights lengthen and the shorts shorten. As any queer worth hir weight knows, having seen "Grease" multiple times, summer is the perfect time for "lovin'." The spring fever has yet to focus on some willing target. So far, no go. Instead, in this case, spring fever is manifesting itself as a sort of generalized, low-level longing. Too mild to seek a remedy, too strong to ignore. Bummer, dude. Where's a good crush when you need one?

What would Tom do?

2007-02-10T21:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Erotic Neurotic,
I behaved badly, and now I can't stop checking myspace to see the effects.
I'm really sorry.
Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

Ah, love in the time of cholera. If by cholera you mean excessive internet excess. Cholera is an acute, infectious disease, characterized by profuse diarrhea, vomiting, cramps, etc. I've been online for about two hours, and that's how I feel. Kind of like when I'm sleeping in someone's bed who maybe is going to become more than just a friend that night and I get wicked intestinal cramps. What I'm saying is that the Erotic Neurotic worries. Well, worries and does it. Then worries about doing it and does it about worrying. Just kidding; that makes no sense.
I'm talking, my friends, about myspace. To paraphrase Bart Simpson, myspace is like a milk-dud: sweet on the outside, poison on the inside. How many friends do we have who have to put themselves on "myspace restriction"? Or who have had to talk to their therapist about myspace? Or who end/destroy relationships via myspace? Or who, in a moment of rage, delete a "friend," only to have to grovel for refriendship later? Or, even worse, angst over whose top 8 they've made? Did Tom foresee this? And is he in the CIA?

Thus far, myspace obsession is relatively uncharted territory. With this in mind, the Erotic Neurotic has drafted a helpful Relationship-Long Myspace Obsession Guidelet.

1. Crush:

Checking the crushee's profile for cute pics, relationship status, flirty comments received, etc.

2. Crush confession:

May be done via myspace. This can range from the whimsical and flirty to the crude and overtly sexual.

3. Stage one:

Mostly involves near-constant commenting/messaging back and forth, often of a sexual nature. May also include checking bfgf's other friends' profiles to police hir commenting.

4. Stage two:

Change of relationship status/possible top 8 rearrangement. Addition of a romantic pic is standard. Such pic should then be proudly displayed to friends, siblings, and coworkers.

5. Stage three:

Trolling others' profiles for validation of feelings of insecurity. What did that "xo" on that comment to hir "best friend" mean, anyway?

6. Breakup:

Via myspace? Please, god, no, but I'm sure it's happened.

7. Post-breakup:

Varies greatly, depending on circumstance. Variables include: frequency of continued commenting, length of mourning time before changing relationship status and/or one's top 8. Probably the number one characteristic of post-breakup obsessive myspace behavior is stalking. Who does ze have pictures of now? How would you characterize hir friends' comments: consoling? congratulatory? Worst of all is the stalking of unwitting third parties. Because once you get to that stage you're on your way to some serious eye fatigue, not to mention carpal tunnel as you click your way deeper into myspace's hellish circles. It really is an addiction. One would hope that this obsession would fade with time, but unfortunately the Erotic Neurotic has yet to find any hard evidence.

So far, I've found one useful characteristic of that beast with 154,961,126 backs: people seem shockingly human on their myspace profiles. So much so that it can be hard to hate them. Not impossible, but hard. Like with a milk-dud, the poisonous center of myspace could eventually, through lovingly rigorous chewing and salivating, dissolve in our collective mouth. So, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, maybe there's hope for you yet.

This is what you get until you send me some questions.

2007-02-09T01:38:00.000-07:00

An OKCupid Quiz on your, well, my personality defect. So, there.

Class Clown
You are 42% Rational, 57% Extroverted, 57% Brutal, and 71% Arrogant.

You are the Class Clown. This means you wear grease paint and have a big, red nose...

I really need to stop thinking so literally...

Anyway, I MEANT to say that you are the Class Clown, and this means that you are extroverted, mean, and arrogant. You are not very rational, so you gravitate towards things that produce feelings or emotions over thoughts (like fart jokes or spitballs, for instance). You are also an extrovert and rather full of yourself, so of course you want constant attention for yourself and think you are somehow better than others. (Upon hearing the expression "you are full of yourself", you probably also slyly feel the need to ask women if they would like to be "full of yourself" too. I am assuming you have a penis. I often make that assumption, being fond of the penis.) You can also be a bit mean-spirited, and like a class clown you wouldn't hesitate to make a joke at someone else's expense, no matter how terrible it would make them feel. A lot of people probably find your antics annoying, sophomoric, and desperately histrionic. Like some sort of crack-taking hyperactive monkey, you'd do anything, mock anyone, just to get someone to pay attention to you for five seconds. So your personality defects are that you have to be the center of attention, that you don't care about others, and that you are rather irrational and motivated by intuitions. Now stop walking around with those books on your head and sit down this instant! Or else I'll be forced to stand here, hands on my hips, doing nothing once again!

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.

2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.

3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle.

4. You are more ARROGANT than humble.

Compatibility:

Your exact opposite is the Robot.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Schoolyard Bully, the Smartass, and the Brute.

If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.

The other personality types:

The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

This seemed appropriate.

2007-01-29T15:29:00.000-07:00

"Nation's Gays Demand Right to Library Cards"

The plot twists and twists.

2007-01-28T19:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Erotic Neurotic -
I have been plagued most of my life with falling madly in love with the straight women who are 'my best friends'. I convince myself that I am not 'in love' with them. I tell myself over and over that we are just 'really close' that we 'share an intimate bond' and what have you. I get suckered into being their backup boifriend and then wind up feeling like the jilted lover when they go crawling back to their real boyfriends (who are total jerks). Then am left sucked dry and zapped of energy having once again been used for my amazing boifriend powers and left by the proverbial side of the road...in the desert...without water...or a soul.
Now, maybe this wouldn't freak me out so much if all these straight women weren't so damn closeted. How do I stop forming intimate bff-hoods with soul-sucking closeted batches from hell?
PS - they are ALL Aquarius women like my mom. Does that mean something?
Broken - Ridiculous And Down

Dear Brad,
Oh, baby kitty. Lesbian separatism is so 70s, but it's starting to look like a good option, isn't it. At least when you start sleeping with someone you know that you're signing up for some eventual heartache. It's just part of the deal. But it can catch you off guard when you're "just friends."
Your predicament reminds me (uh, I mean, the Erotic Neurotic) of a conversation he had recently. A friend had just been to a relationship workshop to learn how to apply the principles of "conscious dating" to her relationship with her fiancee. A quick internet search gives us this, the ten principles of the book Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World. Maybe they'll help you in your search for your next Janet.
1. Know who you are and what you want.
Like an iceberg, we are typically aware only of the tip, while our success and happiness depends upon what lies below the surface.
2. Learn how to get what you want.
Assess the information, tools, and skills you will need and acquire them. Develop creative strategies and action plans. “When you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”
3. Be the “Chooser.”
Take initiative and responsibility for your outcomes. Don’t react to what, or who, chooses you. Seek to create what you want in your life.
4. Balance your heart with your head.
Make your relationship choices consciously. It’s still exciting!
5. Be ready and available for commitment.
Live your life and bring your dating strategy into alignment with how ready you really are for a committed relationship.
6. Use the “Law Of Attraction.”
Be the partner that you are seeking. Attract the partner that you want by developing yourself and living the life that you want. “If you build it, they will come.”
7. Gain relationship knowledge and skills.
Prepare for the love of your life by learning about relationships, improving your relationship skills, and deepening your relationships with your family, friends, and colleagues. Date for fun and practice. Take more emotional risks. Read about relationships. Get relationship coaching. Take relationship classes and workshops.
8. Create a support community.
Isolated singles become lonely in their relationships when they focus on a partner to meet all their social and emotional needs.
9. Practice assertiveness.
To get what you really want, you need to say “No” to what you don’t want.
10. Be a “Successful Single.”
Don’t put your life on hold waiting for a relationship to happen. Live your life vision and purpose while you are single. The best way to find your life partner is to be a happy, successful single person living the life that you really want.

Or maybe not. I just thought I'd quote those people, since they're all about marrying everyone off and the dissolution of american society due to the astronomical number of single people in the world. (And because I couldn't think of an answer to your question, obviously.) Did you know that more people are single today than ever before in history? Anyway, they would probably hate us, so let's coopt their rhetoric to talk about bestfriendships. Did you know that fewer people have best friends than any other time in history? I blame it on the internet and the homosexuals. You know, we used to just be able to be homosocial, and then when our bfs broke our hearts we had nice lacy hankerchiefs to wipe our eyes on. Now society wants us to gay marry our gfs, and doesn't care about our other intimate relationships. It's bullshit, and you have every right to be pissed off.

So, I guess my advice is to go back in time, and find yourself a bosom friend, like Anne and Diana. Sorry about that.

Old flame/new flame.

2007-01-22T20:49:00.000-07:00

Dear EN,
One of my friends and I, both mostly single, met a couple of cute girls, independently, who happen to be friends. We're both working on these new projects, but my friend is the kind of awkward charmer who can get into a girl's pants in almost any skanky bathroom, while I'm the kind of awkward charmer who sits around and has deep conversation over coffee and can't quite make a move. My friend has had ample opportunity to get the digs from her new "friend" about how my new "friend" might feel, but she's too googoo eyed to be a good wingman. What gives? Do you think she subconciously still wants to sleep with me?
Praying Almost Nightly For Seduction.

Dear Panfs,
Wow, your friend sounds like a deeply troubled individual. Maybe you should give her a break. Or, better yet, a blow job. Maybe an art project focused on a mutual interest (motorcycles? guinea pigs?) could rekindle that most important relationship. Don't forget, Panfs, bros before hos.
The Erotic Neurotic has a special place in his heart for your brand of awkward charm. In fact, deep conversations over coffee, complete with that nagging voice in your head wondering, "What is going on here?" pretty much sum up his modus operandi for dealing with crushes. "Ignore it and it will go away," is his motto.
That said, even the Erotic Neurotic isn't quite that cruel, at least not intentionally. Despite what you may believe. Here's the deal: New friend (should) = less processing. Right? You're one of those queers who makes friends with her crushes/gets crushes on her friends. And that works fine, if you want the trajectory of the crush to stretch into weeks or months. Come on now, Panfs, you have to strike while the iron is hott.
Friends are good for wall-painting, cat-sitting, and cruising, but there's only so much they can do once there's a new spark in the picture. The Erotic Neurotic is here to help, of course, but ultimately you're on your own on this one.

You total gaywad.

2007-01-20T22:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Erotic Neurotic, For the past year or so, in exchange for things like mowing the lawn and hosing down the driveway, I've been supplying my neighbor's kids (ages 13 and 15) with marijuana. Last week, while high, one of the kids, "Isaac," knocked over an extremely valuable vase in my living room onto the floor, shattering it all to pieces. Since I suppose I'm partially responsible, is it ethical for me to expect some kind of financial compensation from his parents? Also, last time I was at this neighbor's house, I accidentally left a provocative photo of myself in the guest bathroom. How should I best handle this situation?
Sincerely, Telling On Issac Leaves Everyone Ticked

Dear Toilet,
Well, you're in a dilly of a pickle, aren't you? I've thought long and hard about this one, and I'm sorry but, vase or no vase, you have to move. Do you rent or own? I know it's a tough housing market, and you did just lose a valuable asset, and you may have to find a new hookup, but this could ruin your life. What's the matter with you, anyway, you fucking stoner, giving pot to preteens? I might not know much, but I know this, preteens have all the good weed already.
And, Toilet? Next time, if you really want to start trouble, don't leave your nudie pics in the guest bathroom, leave them in your handsome neighbor's wallet.

Closets are for clothes, but goddam it's cold out.

2007-01-20T22:39:00.000-07:00

Dear EN, I have known for a long time that I am gay, but have never acted on it. I think I'm ready to "come out." How do I tell my friends without losing them? And how should I go about meeting other homosexuals? There is a nude beach near where I live, but it's winter here, and it won't be warm enough to swim there for at least 5 or 6 more months. Help! Sincerely, Being Realistic About Sex

Dear B.R.A.S., I think I have the perfect solution to all of your problems: rainbow scuba gear. A loud and proud signal to "family," a subtle hint to your oblivious friends. And, of course, perfect for those cold winter nights cruising at the Boulder Reservoir. Best of luck, Justin Casowitz, the Erotic Neurotic