What would Tom do?

Dear Erotic Neurotic,
I behaved badly, and now I can't stop checking myspace to see the effects.
I'm really sorry.
Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

Ah, love in the time of cholera. If by cholera you mean excessive internet excess. Cholera is an acute, infectious disease, characterized by profuse diarrhea, vomiting, cramps, etc. I've been online for about two hours, and that's how I feel. Kind of like when I'm sleeping in someone's bed who maybe is going to become more than just a friend that night and I get wicked intestinal cramps. What I'm saying is that the Erotic Neurotic worries. Well, worries and does it. Then worries about doing it and does it about worrying. Just kidding; that makes no sense.
I'm talking, my friends, about myspace. To paraphrase Bart Simpson, myspace is like a milk-dud: sweet on the outside, poison on the inside. How many friends do we have who have to put themselves on "myspace restriction"? Or who have had to talk to their therapist about myspace? Or who end/destroy relationships via myspace? Or who, in a moment of rage, delete a "friend," only to have to grovel for refriendship later? Or, even worse, angst over whose top 8 they've made? Did Tom foresee this? And is he in the CIA?

Thus far, myspace obsession is relatively uncharted territory. With this in mind, the Erotic Neurotic has drafted a helpful Relationship-Long Myspace Obsession Guidelet.

1. Crush:

Checking the crushee's profile for cute pics, relationship status, flirty comments received, etc.

2. Crush confession:

May be done via myspace. This can range from the whimsical and flirty to the crude and overtly sexual.

3. Stage one:

Mostly involves near-constant commenting/messaging back and forth, often of a sexual nature. May also include checking bfgf's other friends' profiles to police hir commenting.

4. Stage two:

Change of relationship status/possible top 8 rearrangement. Addition of a romantic pic is standard. Such pic should then be proudly displayed to friends, siblings, and coworkers.

5. Stage three:

Trolling others' profiles for validation of feelings of insecurity. What did that "xo" on that comment to hir "best friend" mean, anyway?

6. Breakup:

Via myspace? Please, god, no, but I'm sure it's happened.

7. Post-breakup:

Varies greatly, depending on circumstance. Variables include: frequency of continued commenting, length of mourning time before changing relationship status and/or one's top 8. Probably the number one characteristic of post-breakup obsessive myspace behavior is stalking. Who does ze have pictures of now? How would you characterize hir friends' comments: consoling? congratulatory? Worst of all is the stalking of unwitting third parties. Because once you get to that stage you're on your way to some serious eye fatigue, not to mention carpal tunnel as you click your way deeper into myspace's hellish circles. It really is an addiction. One would hope that this obsession would fade with time, but unfortunately the Erotic Neurotic has yet to find any hard evidence.

So far, I've found one useful characteristic of that beast with 154,961,126 backs: people seem shockingly human on their myspace profiles. So much so that it can be hard to hate them. Not impossible, but hard. Like with a milk-dud, the poisonous center of myspace could eventually, through lovingly rigorous chewing and salivating, dissolve in our collective mouth. So, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, maybe there's hope for you yet.

This is what you get until you send me some questions.

An OKCupid Quiz on your, well, my personality defect. So, there.




Class Clown
You are 42% Rational, 57% Extroverted, 57% Brutal, and 71% Arrogant.

You are the Class Clown. This means you wear grease paint and have a big, red nose...

I really need to stop thinking so literally...

Anyway, I MEANT to say that you are the Class Clown, and this means that you are extroverted, mean, and arrogant. You are not very rational, so you gravitate towards things that produce feelings or emotions over thoughts (like fart jokes or spitballs, for instance). You are also an extrovert and rather full of yourself, so of course you want constant attention for yourself and think you are somehow better than others. (Upon hearing the expression "you are full of yourself", you probably also slyly feel the need to ask women if they would like to be "full of yourself" too. I am assuming you have a penis. I often make that assumption, being fond of the penis.) You can also be a bit mean-spirited, and like a class clown you wouldn't hesitate to make a joke at someone else's expense, no matter how terrible it would make them feel. A lot of people probably find your antics annoying, sophomoric, and desperately histrionic. Like some sort of crack-taking hyperactive monkey, you'd do anything, mock anyone, just to get someone to pay attention to you for five seconds. So your personality defects are that you have to be the center of attention, that you don't care about others, and that you are rather irrational and motivated by intuitions. Now stop walking around with those books on your head and sit down this instant! Or else I'll be forced to stand here, hands on my hips, doing nothing once again!

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.

2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.

3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle.

4. You are more ARROGANT than humble.

Compatibility:

Your exact opposite is the Robot.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Schoolyard Bully, the Smartass, and the Brute.

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If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.

The other personality types:

The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.