What would Tom do?

Dear Erotic Neurotic,
I behaved badly, and now I can't stop checking myspace to see the effects.
I'm really sorry.
Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

Ah, love in the time of cholera. If by cholera you mean excessive internet excess. Cholera is an acute, infectious disease, characterized by profuse diarrhea, vomiting, cramps, etc. I've been online for about two hours, and that's how I feel. Kind of like when I'm sleeping in someone's bed who maybe is going to become more than just a friend that night and I get wicked intestinal cramps. What I'm saying is that the Erotic Neurotic worries. Well, worries and does it. Then worries about doing it and does it about worrying. Just kidding; that makes no sense.
I'm talking, my friends, about myspace. To paraphrase Bart Simpson, myspace is like a milk-dud: sweet on the outside, poison on the inside. How many friends do we have who have to put themselves on "myspace restriction"? Or who have had to talk to their therapist about myspace? Or who end/destroy relationships via myspace? Or who, in a moment of rage, delete a "friend," only to have to grovel for refriendship later? Or, even worse, angst over whose top 8 they've made? Did Tom foresee this? And is he in the CIA?

Thus far, myspace obsession is relatively uncharted territory. With this in mind, the Erotic Neurotic has drafted a helpful Relationship-Long Myspace Obsession Guidelet.

1. Crush:

Checking the crushee's profile for cute pics, relationship status, flirty comments received, etc.

2. Crush confession:

May be done via myspace. This can range from the whimsical and flirty to the crude and overtly sexual.

3. Stage one:

Mostly involves near-constant commenting/messaging back and forth, often of a sexual nature. May also include checking bfgf's other friends' profiles to police hir commenting.

4. Stage two:

Change of relationship status/possible top 8 rearrangement. Addition of a romantic pic is standard. Such pic should then be proudly displayed to friends, siblings, and coworkers.

5. Stage three:

Trolling others' profiles for validation of feelings of insecurity. What did that "xo" on that comment to hir "best friend" mean, anyway?

6. Breakup:

Via myspace? Please, god, no, but I'm sure it's happened.

7. Post-breakup:

Varies greatly, depending on circumstance. Variables include: frequency of continued commenting, length of mourning time before changing relationship status and/or one's top 8. Probably the number one characteristic of post-breakup obsessive myspace behavior is stalking. Who does ze have pictures of now? How would you characterize hir friends' comments: consoling? congratulatory? Worst of all is the stalking of unwitting third parties. Because once you get to that stage you're on your way to some serious eye fatigue, not to mention carpal tunnel as you click your way deeper into myspace's hellish circles. It really is an addiction. One would hope that this obsession would fade with time, but unfortunately the Erotic Neurotic has yet to find any hard evidence.

So far, I've found one useful characteristic of that beast with 154,961,126 backs: people seem shockingly human on their myspace profiles. So much so that it can be hard to hate them. Not impossible, but hard. Like with a milk-dud, the poisonous center of myspace could eventually, through lovingly rigorous chewing and salivating, dissolve in our collective mouth. So, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, maybe there's hope for you yet.