Tonight was the first ever Erotic Neurotic celebrity sighting. No, I didn't see a celebrity, I was the celebrity. [I mean, I was at a show, so I guess I was seeing a celebrity, but goddammit people, this isn't a semantics column.]
Anyway, post-Mountain Goats, waiting for the ol' ball and chain, a young lady approached the Erotic Neurotic, and asked, "Are you the Erotic Neurotic?" Shocked, I answered, "Maybe." I believe she said her name was Lisa. I mentioned that the biggest hurdle to keeping this column up-to-date is keeping those questions rolling in.
Then it hit me- prizes! But what can I pass on to you, dear readers, in this age of technology? Thankfully, Lisa had this one figured out as well.
The Erotic Neurotic's "connections" are pretty limited to this, the queen city of the plains, so I won't be able to hook you up with Carl Kassel himself, but in the great tradition of NPR's Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, the authors of the next three questions answered by the Erotic Neurotic will get my voice on your home answering machine. You don't get to choose what I say. You get this:
à la the lovely and talented Nicole Georges' rendition on Chez Toxique's answering machine, once upon a time.
Send yr queries to theeroticneurotic@yahoo.com.
P.S. Yes, Lisa gets first dibs.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
Spring fever strikes.
Or, maybe make that, "Spring fever is on strike."
Well, the Erotic Neurotic may be the only survivor of Denver Spring (Heart)break 2007. Don't be too jealous; he got his in Aught Six. Nonetheless, there's plenty to kvetch about. Don't you worry.
1. One would think that a wretched, icy winter would provide the perfect backdrop for some nice cuddling. But unless you count a dandruffy cat, none was to be had. All right, "none" is an exaggeration, but those other bad decisions have faded so far in the Erotic Neurotic's (admittedly terribly short-term) memory that they may as well have been a weird, Lynchian dream. Her dog was really nice, though.
2. Spring, when the nights lengthen and the shorts shorten. As any queer worth hir weight knows, having seen "Grease" multiple times, summer is the perfect time for "lovin'." The spring fever has yet to focus on some willing target. So far, no go. Instead, in this case, spring fever is manifesting itself as a sort of generalized, low-level longing. Too mild to seek a remedy, too strong to ignore. Bummer, dude. Where's a good crush when you need one?
Well, the Erotic Neurotic may be the only survivor of Denver Spring (Heart)break 2007. Don't be too jealous; he got his in Aught Six. Nonetheless, there's plenty to kvetch about. Don't you worry.
1. One would think that a wretched, icy winter would provide the perfect backdrop for some nice cuddling. But unless you count a dandruffy cat, none was to be had. All right, "none" is an exaggeration, but those other bad decisions have faded so far in the Erotic Neurotic's (admittedly terribly short-term) memory that they may as well have been a weird, Lynchian dream. Her dog was really nice, though.
2. Spring, when the nights lengthen and the shorts shorten. As any queer worth hir weight knows, having seen "Grease" multiple times, summer is the perfect time for "lovin'." The spring fever has yet to focus on some willing target. So far, no go. Instead, in this case, spring fever is manifesting itself as a sort of generalized, low-level longing. Too mild to seek a remedy, too strong to ignore. Bummer, dude. Where's a good crush when you need one?
Saturday, February 10, 2007
What would Tom do?
Dear Erotic Neurotic,
I behaved badly, and now I can't stop checking myspace to see the effects.
I'm really sorry.
Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
Ah, love in the time of cholera. If by cholera you mean excessive internet excess. Cholera is an acute, infectious disease, characterized by profuse diarrhea, vomiting, cramps, etc. I've been online for about two hours, and that's how I feel. Kind of like when I'm sleeping in someone's bed who maybe is going to become more than just a friend that night and I get wicked intestinal cramps. What I'm saying is that the Erotic Neurotic worries. Well, worries and does it. Then worries about doing it and does it about worrying. Just kidding; that makes no sense.
I'm talking, my friends, about myspace. To paraphrase Bart Simpson, myspace is like a milk-dud: sweet on the outside, poison on the inside. How many friends do we have who have to put themselves on "myspace restriction"? Or who have had to talk to their therapist about myspace? Or who end/destroy relationships via myspace? Or who, in a moment of rage, delete a "friend," only to have to grovel for refriendship later? Or, even worse, angst over whose top 8 they've made? Did Tom foresee this? And is he in the CIA?
I behaved badly, and now I can't stop checking myspace to see the effects.
I'm really sorry.
Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
Ah, love in the time of cholera. If by cholera you mean excessive internet excess. Cholera is an acute, infectious disease, characterized by profuse diarrhea, vomiting, cramps, etc. I've been online for about two hours, and that's how I feel. Kind of like when I'm sleeping in someone's bed who maybe is going to become more than just a friend that night and I get wicked intestinal cramps. What I'm saying is that the Erotic Neurotic worries. Well, worries and does it. Then worries about doing it and does it about worrying. Just kidding; that makes no sense.
I'm talking, my friends, about myspace. To paraphrase Bart Simpson, myspace is like a milk-dud: sweet on the outside, poison on the inside. How many friends do we have who have to put themselves on "myspace restriction"? Or who have had to talk to their therapist about myspace? Or who end/destroy relationships via myspace? Or who, in a moment of rage, delete a "friend," only to have to grovel for refriendship later? Or, even worse, angst over whose top 8 they've made? Did Tom foresee this? And is he in the CIA?
Thus far, myspace obsession is relatively uncharted territory. With this in mind, the Erotic Neurotic has drafted a helpful Relationship-Long Myspace Obsession Guidelet.
1. Crush:
Checking the crushee's profile for cute pics, relationship status, flirty comments received, etc.
2. Crush confession:
May be done via myspace. This can range from the whimsical and flirty to the crude and overtly sexual.
3. Stage one:
Mostly involves near-constant commenting/messaging back and forth, often of a sexual nature. May also include checking bfgf's other friends' profiles to police hir commenting.
4. Stage two:
Change of relationship status/possible top 8 rearrangement. Addition of a romantic pic is standard. Such pic should then be proudly displayed to friends, siblings, and coworkers.
5. Stage three:
Trolling others' profiles for validation of feelings of insecurity. What did that "xo" on that comment to hir "best friend" mean, anyway?
6. Breakup:
Via myspace? Please, god, no, but I'm sure it's happened.
7. Post-breakup:
Varies greatly, depending on circumstance. Variables include: frequency of continued commenting, length of mourning time before changing relationship status and/or one's top 8. Probably the number one characteristic of post-breakup obsessive myspace behavior is stalking. Who does ze have pictures of now? How would you characterize hir friends' comments: consoling? congratulatory? Worst of all is the stalking of unwitting third parties. Because once you get to that stage you're on your way to some serious eye fatigue, not to mention carpal tunnel as you click your way deeper into myspace's hellish circles. It really is an addiction. One would hope that this obsession would fade with time, but unfortunately the Erotic Neurotic has yet to find any hard evidence.
So far, I've found one useful characteristic of that beast with 154,961,126 backs: people seem shockingly human on their myspace profiles. So much so that it can be hard to hate them. Not impossible, but hard. Like with a milk-dud, the poisonous center of myspace could eventually, through lovingly rigorous chewing and salivating, dissolve in our collective mouth. So, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, maybe there's hope for you yet.
Friday, February 9, 2007
This is what you get until you send me some questions.
An OKCupid Quiz on your, well, my personality defect. So, there.
Class Clown
You are 42% Rational, 57% Extroverted, 57% Brutal, and 71% Arrogant.
You are the Class Clown. This means you wear grease paint and have a big, red nose...
You are 42% Rational, 57% Extroverted, 57% Brutal, and 71% Arrogant.
I really need to stop thinking so literally...
Anyway, I MEANT to say that you are the Class Clown, and this means that you are extroverted, mean, and arrogant. You are not very rational, so you gravitate towards things that produce feelings or emotions over thoughts (like fart jokes or spitballs, for instance). You are also an extrovert and rather full of yourself, so of course you want constant attention for yourself and think you are somehow better than others. (Upon hearing the expression "you are full of yourself", you probably also slyly feel the need to ask women if they would like to be "full of yourself" too. I am assuming you have a penis. I often make that assumption, being fond of the penis.) You can also be a bit mean-spirited, and like a class clown you wouldn't hesitate to make a joke at someone else's expense, no matter how terrible it would make them feel. A lot of people probably find your antics annoying, sophomoric, and desperately histrionic. Like some sort of crack-taking hyperactive monkey, you'd do anything, mock anyone, just to get someone to pay attention to you for five seconds. So your personality defects are that you have to be the center of attention, that you don't care about others, and that you are rather irrational and motivated by intuitions. Now stop walking around with those books on your head and sit down this instant! Or else I'll be forced to stand here, hands on my hips, doing nothing once again!
To put it less negatively:
1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.
2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.
3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle.
4. You are more ARROGANT than humble.
Compatibility:
Your exact opposite is the Robot.
Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Schoolyard Bully, the Smartass, and the Brute.
*
*
If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.
The other personality types:
The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Sunday, January 28, 2007
The plot twists and twists.
Dear Erotic Neurotic -
I have been plagued most of my life with falling madly in love with the straight women who are 'my best friends'. I convince myself that I am not 'in love' with them. I tell myself over and over that we are just 'really close' that we 'share an intimate bond' and what have you. I get suckered into being their backup boifriend and then wind up feeling like the jilted lover when they go crawling back to their real boyfriends (who are total jerks). Then am left sucked dry and zapped of energy having once again been used for my amazing boifriend powers and left by the proverbial side of the road...in the desert...without water...or a soul.
Now, maybe this wouldn't freak me out so much if all these straight women weren't so damn closeted. How do I stop forming intimate bff-hoods with soul-sucking closeted batches from hell?
PS - they are ALL Aquarius women like my mom. Does that mean something?
Broken - Ridiculous And Down
Dear Brad,
Oh, baby kitty. Lesbian separatism is so 70s, but it's starting to look like a good option, isn't it. At least when you start sleeping with someone you know that you're signing up for some eventual heartache. It's just part of the deal. But it can catch you off guard when you're "just friends."
Your predicament reminds me (uh, I mean, the Erotic Neurotic) of a conversation he had recently. A friend had just been to a relationship workshop to learn how to apply the principles of "conscious dating" to her relationship with her fiancee. A quick internet search gives us this, the ten principles of the book Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World. Maybe they'll help you in your search for your next Janet.
1. Know who you are and what you want.
Like an iceberg, we are typically aware only of the tip, while our success and happiness depends upon what lies below the surface.
2. Learn how to get what you want.
Assess the information, tools, and skills you will need and acquire them. Develop creative strategies and action plans. “When you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”
3. Be the “Chooser.”
Take initiative and responsibility for your outcomes. Don’t react to what, or who, chooses you. Seek to create what you want in your life.
4. Balance your heart with your head.
Make your relationship choices consciously. It’s still exciting!
5. Be ready and available for commitment.
Live your life and bring your dating strategy into alignment with how ready you really are for a committed relationship.
6. Use the “Law Of Attraction.”
Be the partner that you are seeking. Attract the partner that you want by developing yourself and living the life that you want. “If you build it, they will come.”
7. Gain relationship knowledge and skills.
Prepare for the love of your life by learning about relationships, improving your relationship skills, and deepening your relationships with your family, friends, and colleagues. Date for fun and practice. Take more emotional risks. Read about relationships. Get relationship coaching. Take relationship classes and workshops.
8. Create a support community.
Isolated singles become lonely in their relationships when they focus on a partner to meet all their social and emotional needs.
9. Practice assertiveness.
To get what you really want, you need to say “No” to what you don’t want.
10. Be a “Successful Single.”
Don’t put your life on hold waiting for a relationship to happen. Live your life vision and purpose while you are single. The best way to find your life partner is to be a happy, successful single person living the life that you really want.
Or maybe not. I just thought I'd quote those people, since they're all about marrying everyone off and the dissolution of american society due to the astronomical number of single people in the world. (And because I couldn't think of an answer to your question, obviously.) Did you know that more people are single today than ever before in history? Anyway, they would probably hate us, so let's coopt their rhetoric to talk about bestfriendships. Did you know that fewer people have best friends than any other time in history? I blame it on the internet and the homosexuals. You know, we used to just be able to be homosocial, and then when our bfs broke our hearts we had nice lacy hankerchiefs to wipe our eyes on. Now society wants us to gay marry our gfs, and doesn't care about our other intimate relationships. It's bullshit, and you have every right to be pissed off.
So, I guess my advice is to go back in time, and find yourself a bosom friend, like Anne and Diana. Sorry about that.
I have been plagued most of my life with falling madly in love with the straight women who are 'my best friends'. I convince myself that I am not 'in love' with them. I tell myself over and over that we are just 'really close' that we 'share an intimate bond' and what have you. I get suckered into being their backup boifriend and then wind up feeling like the jilted lover when they go crawling back to their real boyfriends (who are total jerks). Then am left sucked dry and zapped of energy having once again been used for my amazing boifriend powers and left by the proverbial side of the road...in the desert...without water...or a soul.
Now, maybe this wouldn't freak me out so much if all these straight women weren't so damn closeted. How do I stop forming intimate bff-hoods with soul-sucking closeted batches from hell?
PS - they are ALL Aquarius women like my mom. Does that mean something?
Broken - Ridiculous And Down
Dear Brad,
Oh, baby kitty. Lesbian separatism is so 70s, but it's starting to look like a good option, isn't it. At least when you start sleeping with someone you know that you're signing up for some eventual heartache. It's just part of the deal. But it can catch you off guard when you're "just friends."
Your predicament reminds me (uh, I mean, the Erotic Neurotic) of a conversation he had recently. A friend had just been to a relationship workshop to learn how to apply the principles of "conscious dating" to her relationship with her fiancee. A quick internet search gives us this, the ten principles of the book Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World. Maybe they'll help you in your search for your next Janet.
1. Know who you are and what you want.
Like an iceberg, we are typically aware only of the tip, while our success and happiness depends upon what lies below the surface.
2. Learn how to get what you want.
Assess the information, tools, and skills you will need and acquire them. Develop creative strategies and action plans. “When you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”
3. Be the “Chooser.”
Take initiative and responsibility for your outcomes. Don’t react to what, or who, chooses you. Seek to create what you want in your life.
4. Balance your heart with your head.
Make your relationship choices consciously. It’s still exciting!
5. Be ready and available for commitment.
Live your life and bring your dating strategy into alignment with how ready you really are for a committed relationship.
6. Use the “Law Of Attraction.”
Be the partner that you are seeking. Attract the partner that you want by developing yourself and living the life that you want. “If you build it, they will come.”
7. Gain relationship knowledge and skills.
Prepare for the love of your life by learning about relationships, improving your relationship skills, and deepening your relationships with your family, friends, and colleagues. Date for fun and practice. Take more emotional risks. Read about relationships. Get relationship coaching. Take relationship classes and workshops.
8. Create a support community.
Isolated singles become lonely in their relationships when they focus on a partner to meet all their social and emotional needs.
9. Practice assertiveness.
To get what you really want, you need to say “No” to what you don’t want.
10. Be a “Successful Single.”
Don’t put your life on hold waiting for a relationship to happen. Live your life vision and purpose while you are single. The best way to find your life partner is to be a happy, successful single person living the life that you really want.
Or maybe not. I just thought I'd quote those people, since they're all about marrying everyone off and the dissolution of american society due to the astronomical number of single people in the world. (And because I couldn't think of an answer to your question, obviously.) Did you know that more people are single today than ever before in history? Anyway, they would probably hate us, so let's coopt their rhetoric to talk about bestfriendships. Did you know that fewer people have best friends than any other time in history? I blame it on the internet and the homosexuals. You know, we used to just be able to be homosocial, and then when our bfs broke our hearts we had nice lacy hankerchiefs to wipe our eyes on. Now society wants us to gay marry our gfs, and doesn't care about our other intimate relationships. It's bullshit, and you have every right to be pissed off.
So, I guess my advice is to go back in time, and find yourself a bosom friend, like Anne and Diana. Sorry about that.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Old flame/new flame.
Dear EN,
One of my friends and I, both mostly single, met a couple of cute girls, independently, who happen to be friends. We're both working on these new projects, but my friend is the kind of awkward charmer who can get into a girl's pants in almost any skanky bathroom, while I'm the kind of awkward charmer who sits around and has deep conversation over coffee and can't quite make a move. My friend has had ample opportunity to get the digs from her new "friend" about how my new "friend" might feel, but she's too googoo eyed to be a good wingman. What gives? Do you think she subconciously still wants to sleep with me?
Praying Almost Nightly For Seduction.
Dear Panfs,
Wow, your friend sounds like a deeply troubled individual. Maybe you should give her a break. Or, better yet, a blow job. Maybe an art project focused on a mutual interest (motorcycles? guinea pigs?) could rekindle that most important relationship. Don't forget, Panfs, bros before hos.
The Erotic Neurotic has a special place in his heart for your brand of awkward charm. In fact, deep conversations over coffee, complete with that nagging voice in your head wondering, "What is going on here?" pretty much sum up his modus operandi for dealing with crushes. "Ignore it and it will go away," is his motto.
That said, even the Erotic Neurotic isn't quite that cruel, at least not intentionally. Despite what you may believe. Here's the deal: New friend (should) = less processing. Right? You're one of those queers who makes friends with her crushes/gets crushes on her friends. And that works fine, if you want the trajectory of the crush to stretch into weeks or months. Come on now, Panfs, you have to strike while the iron is hott.
Friends are good for wall-painting, cat-sitting, and cruising, but there's only so much they can do once there's a new spark in the picture. The Erotic Neurotic is here to help, of course, but ultimately you're on your own on this one.
One of my friends and I, both mostly single, met a couple of cute girls, independently, who happen to be friends. We're both working on these new projects, but my friend is the kind of awkward charmer who can get into a girl's pants in almost any skanky bathroom, while I'm the kind of awkward charmer who sits around and has deep conversation over coffee and can't quite make a move. My friend has had ample opportunity to get the digs from her new "friend" about how my new "friend" might feel, but she's too googoo eyed to be a good wingman. What gives? Do you think she subconciously still wants to sleep with me?
Praying Almost Nightly For Seduction.
Dear Panfs,
Wow, your friend sounds like a deeply troubled individual. Maybe you should give her a break. Or, better yet, a blow job. Maybe an art project focused on a mutual interest (motorcycles? guinea pigs?) could rekindle that most important relationship. Don't forget, Panfs, bros before hos.
The Erotic Neurotic has a special place in his heart for your brand of awkward charm. In fact, deep conversations over coffee, complete with that nagging voice in your head wondering, "What is going on here?" pretty much sum up his modus operandi for dealing with crushes. "Ignore it and it will go away," is his motto.
That said, even the Erotic Neurotic isn't quite that cruel, at least not intentionally. Despite what you may believe. Here's the deal: New friend (should) = less processing. Right? You're one of those queers who makes friends with her crushes/gets crushes on her friends. And that works fine, if you want the trajectory of the crush to stretch into weeks or months. Come on now, Panfs, you have to strike while the iron is hott.
Friends are good for wall-painting, cat-sitting, and cruising, but there's only so much they can do once there's a new spark in the picture. The Erotic Neurotic is here to help, of course, but ultimately you're on your own on this one.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
You total gaywad.
Dear Erotic Neurotic, For the past year or so, in exchange for things like mowing the lawn and hosing down the driveway, I've been supplying my neighbor's kids (ages 13 and 15) with marijuana. Last week, while high, one of the kids, "Isaac," knocked over an extremely valuable vase in my living room onto the floor, shattering it all to pieces. Since I suppose I'm partially responsible, is it ethical for me to expect some kind of financial compensation from his parents? Also, last time I was at this neighbor's house, I accidentally left a provocative photo of myself in the guest bathroom. How should I best handle this situation?
Sincerely, Telling On Issac Leaves Everyone Ticked
Dear Toilet,
Well, you're in a dilly of a pickle, aren't you? I've thought long and hard about this one, and I'm sorry but, vase or no vase, you have to move. Do you rent or own? I know it's a tough housing market, and you did just lose a valuable asset, and you may have to find a new hookup, but this could ruin your life. What's the matter with you, anyway, you fucking stoner, giving pot to preteens? I might not know much, but I know this, preteens have all the good weed already.
And, Toilet? Next time, if you really want to start trouble, don't leave your nudie pics in the guest bathroom, leave them in your handsome neighbor's wallet.
Sincerely, Telling On Issac Leaves Everyone Ticked
Dear Toilet,
Well, you're in a dilly of a pickle, aren't you? I've thought long and hard about this one, and I'm sorry but, vase or no vase, you have to move. Do you rent or own? I know it's a tough housing market, and you did just lose a valuable asset, and you may have to find a new hookup, but this could ruin your life. What's the matter with you, anyway, you fucking stoner, giving pot to preteens? I might not know much, but I know this, preteens have all the good weed already.
And, Toilet? Next time, if you really want to start trouble, don't leave your nudie pics in the guest bathroom, leave them in your handsome neighbor's wallet.
Closets are for clothes, but goddam it's cold out.
Dear EN, I have known for a long time that I am gay, but have never acted on it. I think I'm ready to "come out." How do I tell my friends without losing them? And how should I go about meeting other homosexuals? There is a nude beach near where I live, but it's winter here, and it won't be warm enough to swim there for at least 5 or 6 more months. Help! Sincerely, Being Realistic About Sex
Dear B.R.A.S., I think I have the perfect solution to all of your problems: rainbow scuba gear. A loud and proud signal to "family," a subtle hint to your oblivious friends. And, of course, perfect for those cold winter nights cruising at the Boulder Reservoir. Best of luck, Justin Casowitz, the Erotic Neurotic
Dear B.R.A.S., I think I have the perfect solution to all of your problems: rainbow scuba gear. A loud and proud signal to "family," a subtle hint to your oblivious friends. And, of course, perfect for those cold winter nights cruising at the Boulder Reservoir. Best of luck, Justin Casowitz, the Erotic Neurotic
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