Monday, January 29, 2007
Sunday, January 28, 2007
The plot twists and twists.
Dear Erotic Neurotic -
I have been plagued most of my life with falling madly in love with the straight women who are 'my best friends'. I convince myself that I am not 'in love' with them. I tell myself over and over that we are just 'really close' that we 'share an intimate bond' and what have you. I get suckered into being their backup boifriend and then wind up feeling like the jilted lover when they go crawling back to their real boyfriends (who are total jerks). Then am left sucked dry and zapped of energy having once again been used for my amazing boifriend powers and left by the proverbial side of the road...in the desert...without water...or a soul.
Now, maybe this wouldn't freak me out so much if all these straight women weren't so damn closeted. How do I stop forming intimate bff-hoods with soul-sucking closeted batches from hell?
PS - they are ALL Aquarius women like my mom. Does that mean something?
Broken - Ridiculous And Down
Dear Brad,
Oh, baby kitty. Lesbian separatism is so 70s, but it's starting to look like a good option, isn't it. At least when you start sleeping with someone you know that you're signing up for some eventual heartache. It's just part of the deal. But it can catch you off guard when you're "just friends."
Your predicament reminds me (uh, I mean, the Erotic Neurotic) of a conversation he had recently. A friend had just been to a relationship workshop to learn how to apply the principles of "conscious dating" to her relationship with her fiancee. A quick internet search gives us this, the ten principles of the book Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World. Maybe they'll help you in your search for your next Janet.
1. Know who you are and what you want.
Like an iceberg, we are typically aware only of the tip, while our success and happiness depends upon what lies below the surface.
2. Learn how to get what you want.
Assess the information, tools, and skills you will need and acquire them. Develop creative strategies and action plans. “When you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”
3. Be the “Chooser.”
Take initiative and responsibility for your outcomes. Don’t react to what, or who, chooses you. Seek to create what you want in your life.
4. Balance your heart with your head.
Make your relationship choices consciously. It’s still exciting!
5. Be ready and available for commitment.
Live your life and bring your dating strategy into alignment with how ready you really are for a committed relationship.
6. Use the “Law Of Attraction.”
Be the partner that you are seeking. Attract the partner that you want by developing yourself and living the life that you want. “If you build it, they will come.”
7. Gain relationship knowledge and skills.
Prepare for the love of your life by learning about relationships, improving your relationship skills, and deepening your relationships with your family, friends, and colleagues. Date for fun and practice. Take more emotional risks. Read about relationships. Get relationship coaching. Take relationship classes and workshops.
8. Create a support community.
Isolated singles become lonely in their relationships when they focus on a partner to meet all their social and emotional needs.
9. Practice assertiveness.
To get what you really want, you need to say “No” to what you don’t want.
10. Be a “Successful Single.”
Don’t put your life on hold waiting for a relationship to happen. Live your life vision and purpose while you are single. The best way to find your life partner is to be a happy, successful single person living the life that you really want.
Or maybe not. I just thought I'd quote those people, since they're all about marrying everyone off and the dissolution of american society due to the astronomical number of single people in the world. (And because I couldn't think of an answer to your question, obviously.) Did you know that more people are single today than ever before in history? Anyway, they would probably hate us, so let's coopt their rhetoric to talk about bestfriendships. Did you know that fewer people have best friends than any other time in history? I blame it on the internet and the homosexuals. You know, we used to just be able to be homosocial, and then when our bfs broke our hearts we had nice lacy hankerchiefs to wipe our eyes on. Now society wants us to gay marry our gfs, and doesn't care about our other intimate relationships. It's bullshit, and you have every right to be pissed off.
So, I guess my advice is to go back in time, and find yourself a bosom friend, like Anne and Diana. Sorry about that.
I have been plagued most of my life with falling madly in love with the straight women who are 'my best friends'. I convince myself that I am not 'in love' with them. I tell myself over and over that we are just 'really close' that we 'share an intimate bond' and what have you. I get suckered into being their backup boifriend and then wind up feeling like the jilted lover when they go crawling back to their real boyfriends (who are total jerks). Then am left sucked dry and zapped of energy having once again been used for my amazing boifriend powers and left by the proverbial side of the road...in the desert...without water...or a soul.
Now, maybe this wouldn't freak me out so much if all these straight women weren't so damn closeted. How do I stop forming intimate bff-hoods with soul-sucking closeted batches from hell?
PS - they are ALL Aquarius women like my mom. Does that mean something?
Broken - Ridiculous And Down
Dear Brad,
Oh, baby kitty. Lesbian separatism is so 70s, but it's starting to look like a good option, isn't it. At least when you start sleeping with someone you know that you're signing up for some eventual heartache. It's just part of the deal. But it can catch you off guard when you're "just friends."
Your predicament reminds me (uh, I mean, the Erotic Neurotic) of a conversation he had recently. A friend had just been to a relationship workshop to learn how to apply the principles of "conscious dating" to her relationship with her fiancee. A quick internet search gives us this, the ten principles of the book Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World. Maybe they'll help you in your search for your next Janet.
1. Know who you are and what you want.
Like an iceberg, we are typically aware only of the tip, while our success and happiness depends upon what lies below the surface.
2. Learn how to get what you want.
Assess the information, tools, and skills you will need and acquire them. Develop creative strategies and action plans. “When you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”
3. Be the “Chooser.”
Take initiative and responsibility for your outcomes. Don’t react to what, or who, chooses you. Seek to create what you want in your life.
4. Balance your heart with your head.
Make your relationship choices consciously. It’s still exciting!
5. Be ready and available for commitment.
Live your life and bring your dating strategy into alignment with how ready you really are for a committed relationship.
6. Use the “Law Of Attraction.”
Be the partner that you are seeking. Attract the partner that you want by developing yourself and living the life that you want. “If you build it, they will come.”
7. Gain relationship knowledge and skills.
Prepare for the love of your life by learning about relationships, improving your relationship skills, and deepening your relationships with your family, friends, and colleagues. Date for fun and practice. Take more emotional risks. Read about relationships. Get relationship coaching. Take relationship classes and workshops.
8. Create a support community.
Isolated singles become lonely in their relationships when they focus on a partner to meet all their social and emotional needs.
9. Practice assertiveness.
To get what you really want, you need to say “No” to what you don’t want.
10. Be a “Successful Single.”
Don’t put your life on hold waiting for a relationship to happen. Live your life vision and purpose while you are single. The best way to find your life partner is to be a happy, successful single person living the life that you really want.
Or maybe not. I just thought I'd quote those people, since they're all about marrying everyone off and the dissolution of american society due to the astronomical number of single people in the world. (And because I couldn't think of an answer to your question, obviously.) Did you know that more people are single today than ever before in history? Anyway, they would probably hate us, so let's coopt their rhetoric to talk about bestfriendships. Did you know that fewer people have best friends than any other time in history? I blame it on the internet and the homosexuals. You know, we used to just be able to be homosocial, and then when our bfs broke our hearts we had nice lacy hankerchiefs to wipe our eyes on. Now society wants us to gay marry our gfs, and doesn't care about our other intimate relationships. It's bullshit, and you have every right to be pissed off.
So, I guess my advice is to go back in time, and find yourself a bosom friend, like Anne and Diana. Sorry about that.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Old flame/new flame.
Dear EN,
One of my friends and I, both mostly single, met a couple of cute girls, independently, who happen to be friends. We're both working on these new projects, but my friend is the kind of awkward charmer who can get into a girl's pants in almost any skanky bathroom, while I'm the kind of awkward charmer who sits around and has deep conversation over coffee and can't quite make a move. My friend has had ample opportunity to get the digs from her new "friend" about how my new "friend" might feel, but she's too googoo eyed to be a good wingman. What gives? Do you think she subconciously still wants to sleep with me?
Praying Almost Nightly For Seduction.
Dear Panfs,
Wow, your friend sounds like a deeply troubled individual. Maybe you should give her a break. Or, better yet, a blow job. Maybe an art project focused on a mutual interest (motorcycles? guinea pigs?) could rekindle that most important relationship. Don't forget, Panfs, bros before hos.
The Erotic Neurotic has a special place in his heart for your brand of awkward charm. In fact, deep conversations over coffee, complete with that nagging voice in your head wondering, "What is going on here?" pretty much sum up his modus operandi for dealing with crushes. "Ignore it and it will go away," is his motto.
That said, even the Erotic Neurotic isn't quite that cruel, at least not intentionally. Despite what you may believe. Here's the deal: New friend (should) = less processing. Right? You're one of those queers who makes friends with her crushes/gets crushes on her friends. And that works fine, if you want the trajectory of the crush to stretch into weeks or months. Come on now, Panfs, you have to strike while the iron is hott.
Friends are good for wall-painting, cat-sitting, and cruising, but there's only so much they can do once there's a new spark in the picture. The Erotic Neurotic is here to help, of course, but ultimately you're on your own on this one.
One of my friends and I, both mostly single, met a couple of cute girls, independently, who happen to be friends. We're both working on these new projects, but my friend is the kind of awkward charmer who can get into a girl's pants in almost any skanky bathroom, while I'm the kind of awkward charmer who sits around and has deep conversation over coffee and can't quite make a move. My friend has had ample opportunity to get the digs from her new "friend" about how my new "friend" might feel, but she's too googoo eyed to be a good wingman. What gives? Do you think she subconciously still wants to sleep with me?
Praying Almost Nightly For Seduction.
Dear Panfs,
Wow, your friend sounds like a deeply troubled individual. Maybe you should give her a break. Or, better yet, a blow job. Maybe an art project focused on a mutual interest (motorcycles? guinea pigs?) could rekindle that most important relationship. Don't forget, Panfs, bros before hos.
The Erotic Neurotic has a special place in his heart for your brand of awkward charm. In fact, deep conversations over coffee, complete with that nagging voice in your head wondering, "What is going on here?" pretty much sum up his modus operandi for dealing with crushes. "Ignore it and it will go away," is his motto.
That said, even the Erotic Neurotic isn't quite that cruel, at least not intentionally. Despite what you may believe. Here's the deal: New friend (should) = less processing. Right? You're one of those queers who makes friends with her crushes/gets crushes on her friends. And that works fine, if you want the trajectory of the crush to stretch into weeks or months. Come on now, Panfs, you have to strike while the iron is hott.
Friends are good for wall-painting, cat-sitting, and cruising, but there's only so much they can do once there's a new spark in the picture. The Erotic Neurotic is here to help, of course, but ultimately you're on your own on this one.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
You total gaywad.
Dear Erotic Neurotic, For the past year or so, in exchange for things like mowing the lawn and hosing down the driveway, I've been supplying my neighbor's kids (ages 13 and 15) with marijuana. Last week, while high, one of the kids, "Isaac," knocked over an extremely valuable vase in my living room onto the floor, shattering it all to pieces. Since I suppose I'm partially responsible, is it ethical for me to expect some kind of financial compensation from his parents? Also, last time I was at this neighbor's house, I accidentally left a provocative photo of myself in the guest bathroom. How should I best handle this situation?
Sincerely, Telling On Issac Leaves Everyone Ticked
Dear Toilet,
Well, you're in a dilly of a pickle, aren't you? I've thought long and hard about this one, and I'm sorry but, vase or no vase, you have to move. Do you rent or own? I know it's a tough housing market, and you did just lose a valuable asset, and you may have to find a new hookup, but this could ruin your life. What's the matter with you, anyway, you fucking stoner, giving pot to preteens? I might not know much, but I know this, preteens have all the good weed already.
And, Toilet? Next time, if you really want to start trouble, don't leave your nudie pics in the guest bathroom, leave them in your handsome neighbor's wallet.
Sincerely, Telling On Issac Leaves Everyone Ticked
Dear Toilet,
Well, you're in a dilly of a pickle, aren't you? I've thought long and hard about this one, and I'm sorry but, vase or no vase, you have to move. Do you rent or own? I know it's a tough housing market, and you did just lose a valuable asset, and you may have to find a new hookup, but this could ruin your life. What's the matter with you, anyway, you fucking stoner, giving pot to preteens? I might not know much, but I know this, preteens have all the good weed already.
And, Toilet? Next time, if you really want to start trouble, don't leave your nudie pics in the guest bathroom, leave them in your handsome neighbor's wallet.
Closets are for clothes, but goddam it's cold out.
Dear EN, I have known for a long time that I am gay, but have never acted on it. I think I'm ready to "come out." How do I tell my friends without losing them? And how should I go about meeting other homosexuals? There is a nude beach near where I live, but it's winter here, and it won't be warm enough to swim there for at least 5 or 6 more months. Help! Sincerely, Being Realistic About Sex
Dear B.R.A.S., I think I have the perfect solution to all of your problems: rainbow scuba gear. A loud and proud signal to "family," a subtle hint to your oblivious friends. And, of course, perfect for those cold winter nights cruising at the Boulder Reservoir. Best of luck, Justin Casowitz, the Erotic Neurotic
Dear B.R.A.S., I think I have the perfect solution to all of your problems: rainbow scuba gear. A loud and proud signal to "family," a subtle hint to your oblivious friends. And, of course, perfect for those cold winter nights cruising at the Boulder Reservoir. Best of luck, Justin Casowitz, the Erotic Neurotic
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